Meditation in one easy lesson

Almost everywhere in the world people have made small fortunes teaching one form or another of what they call meditation. Recently we saw a course of twenty-three lectures advertised for $249–reduced to $49. So maybe there’s a chance that some people are catching on to the fact that to meditate, you don’t need a 23-lecture course. Quelle horreur! We believe that this blog today will teach you all you need to know.
We have been teaching meditation as a small segment of our extensive course on Wicca for nearly fifty years, so here is your one-page instruction sheet. Ideally you will begin all this on a night when the moon is not full–best of all is right after new moon.
1. Find a comfortable chair, preferably of wood and with no ferrous metal parts.
2. Find a place away from every electric cable and free from such distracting things as a bookcase full of books and pictures of loved ones or family.
3. Get a shaker of salt, and a small wooden bowl of water, and a quiet-running timer, and a candle of white or pale yellow.
4. Have handy a pad of paper and a pen or a pencil.
5. On an evening when the sun is below the horizon, sit in the chair facing north or east.
(We don’t know the reason, but it seems to work better if heterosexuals face east, the place of new beginnings. For everyone else, north might be better. There is no law saying you can’t try both. More research is needed.
6. Light the candle and turn off the lights.
7. Moving in a sunwise direction, sprinkle salt in a circle around the chair. Sit in the chair with the bowl of water at your feet.
8. Set the timer for 15 minutes.
9. Affirm, Nothing but good shall come to me.
Nothing but good shall go from me.
I give thanks.
10. Close your eyes and sit without moving. Let the mind wander where it will. If you get a lot of job problems floating in, or other thoughts, stop. On the pad write down the thoughts. Put the list of problems into the deep-freeze or under a flatiron. Promise yourself, “I’ll deal with all that after I’ve had time for myself.”
11. Sit in your chair. Start the timer again. Wait. If more problems arise, deal with them as you dealt with the first batch. It may be that on your first trial run you won’t get past the jangle of problem-solving. Be persistent.
13. Shutting down! When the timer sounds, thank the Guide and promise that you’ll be back tomorrow, same time, same place. Make this commitment inviolable.
That’s it. You have learned to meditate.
It does help to be relaxed. The best form of relaxation is having an orgasm within thirty minutes of the time when you start the sitting. A glass of red wine doesn’t hurt either.
It may be that nothing seems to happen. Remember: You may receive impressions through any one of the five senses. You might see pictures; you might hear voices; you might “feel” things such as emotions, or find yourself thinking of a place where you’ve been, or hum a phrase from a song. You might feel physical things such as temperature changes. Accept them all. After the timer rings and you come back to this level of awareness, simply say, “I give thanks” and try again the next night at the same time.
Now. Was that so difficult? You may want to start your investigation at new moon, the time of new beginnings … or you may not.
Persistence and regular timing make meditation work. Those who know us know that we regularly meditate at 10 p.m. each day, so we ourselves no longer need to take the phone off the hook.
Reflect on this fact: Grandma meditated while she was washing dishes at the kitchen sink. Grandpa meditated while he followed the plow.